Many times in our lives we walk through life oblivious of anything that may be holding us back or out rightly ignore that which we know is holding us back. Sometimes it just happens that we are so used to that kind of state that we get comfortable and accept it to be the norm. Other times we just do not know how to get out of that state or lack the strength to do so wondering if it is even possible to get out of such a state. In my case however i just did not know how bad it was until it was brought to my attention.
As we walk through this life, there are many things we learn, pick up and carry, along the way. Some of this is good and has shaped the people we are today and the rest is just extra baggage which affects our lives in negatively. See baggage is not all that bad, as out of it maybe the best story ever written. Evidence of this being the great men and women of the world that continue to inspire us every day who had their mess transformed to a great message. It so happens however this will never be so until we confront the giant called baggage better yet seeking help from the one who holds our world in His hands. Who better to give this baggage other than the one who can handle everything?
The various baggage that we carry in our hearts is of a subtle nature and creeps up on us slowly like a thief in the night. The first time one falls in love is perhaps the best feeling in this world. No doubt it’s the greatest gift from God to us. It was no different for me either. The first love. How pure and clean both intentions are. One cannot help but get lost in this love and get deeply wrapped. If the first love was an experience it is obvious also that none of us ever forget our first heartbreak. Why does it hurt as if you have been stabbed? Why does it feel like the heart is sick and yet the doctor says you are amazingly healthy? Why does everything suddenly seems so dull? Funny how we see the world in a different light, depending on our circumstances.
The hurt that remains is like no other. In my case i could not help but feel deeply betrayed. I could not understand how someone could make a promise and break it. I did not understand why someone could be so cruel. I did not understand why all of a sudden their love was no longer present. I could not understand when my and had become more than my good and whether it was me or him. It’s not in all situations one gets closure and the feeling of rejection does not contribute any good thing to the situation. On that day i became apprehensive of relationships and believed that the end in all was common and predictable. It’s only a matter of time before someone tires and asks to leave. Disappointment is the order of the day. A broken heart, the conclusion of every story. I knew the end before it even begun.
Such a tormented soul i became. Having made a conclusion of how the script would play out, i became expectant of more bad than good in any that followed. I could not let down my guard and it was maintained at an all high. This way i was not loosing anything and well prepared for the negative impact when it came. I was alert and ready to leave at the sight of trouble. It seemed easier this way and i was not going to wait around and have my heart broken a second time. Once bitten twice shy was my motto. My resolution to be so seemed the best and i was proud of my bold stand. Or so i thought. Everything seemed well prepared, i only forgot to plan for one thing, an actual positive impact.
When i did interact with one, i could not see it at all. All i knew is i must be ready as the bad was coming and because of this i was selfish and only wanted that which served me. Me was to come before another and the rest would follow. People in life i have come to learn are driven by various things. For a proud one maybe a deep insecurities, for an overly aggressive a disturbed childhood, for a doormat self esteem, a mean person lack of love and so much more. I don’t know what drives you in what you do but i know in my case it was fear. Fear of rejection and a broken heart.
It is because of this i became a broken vessel, a baggage i carried with me always. See one cannot expect a broken vessel to love perfectly. It cannot. A broken vessel’s love is self driven and pain gives it pleasure. It can neither appreciate a good thing as it’s broken and sees no good. It is behind that broken soul that if one searches deeper will find a small child with a vulnerable precious character in dire need of love and healing. To be with a broken vessel in a relationship or marriage is a daunting task and only a few will be able to stand such brokenness. May God bless each and every person who has stood patiently with such broken people.
We all know when we reach our point of surrender and it is on a fine morning that i walked forth to House of my amazing Father. I knocked silently on the door as i waited for Him to open and sure before my second knock He was at the door. Such a big precious smile He had. “Hey papa” i said trying to smile. “Hey my lovely child” He said giving me a warm embrace. “I have been waiting for you. I thought you would have come sooner”. “Papa i was not ready to come yet.”He looked at me lovingly. “What may i do for you today?” “Papa i want to love again. I want to love genuinely. I want to enjoy love again. I feel as if i have always been in a struggle and don’t even enjoy being in a relationship genuinely. Please add for me more love” I said with such sincerity “I don’t want to be this way anymore”.
He nodded knowingly as if He knew exactly what i was going to say. He always did. “Come here. I want to show you something”. I went and stood before him and held His hands as i kneeled down. He at once started to remove a heavy and thick covering that was all around me. I was so focussed on looking at Him that i failed to see the final product that remained. “Look” He said pointing me to the mirror. As i drew close i saw someone i had known a long time ago. Me, but i was much younger and shivering as if i had seen a ghost. I had never felt so vulnerable in my life.I curled on the floor and continued to tremble in fear. A fear that i seemed to recognize so well. Rejection. He came and picked me up and held me.
“Papa this is a place so deep inside of me that no one has ever seen. I have fought to keep anyone from reaching there. I have been holding on to secrets that i could never tell because if i did, i am afraid they would see i am really someone else” I said so burdened and tired of everything. “Papa, can You ever forgive me? Can you ever forget what i have done?”His warm embrace around the child me was an instant assurance of His forgiveness long before i even asked. He proceeded to say “My child what you need today is not a refill of love, but the healing of your broken heart. My sweet child, you cannot love another perfectly when you are broken as you are. You will always hurt them and by now you know that you also hurt yourself” I had never realised how a broken heart could cause so much pain. As i felt the healing power of my Papa’s love, i begun to see all that i had done in my brokenness and fear. The lives that i had hurt, the bitter heart that i had approached my life’s issues with, the tears that i had caused. How sorry i was for all that i had done.
“Papa look what i have done. Oh Papa how can i ever make it up to all the people that i have hurt? Where do i even begin?” “My child, you can start by apologizing to them as you allow them to see what i have done to your heart through your good deeds. This will prove your faith in Me and your transformation. I can tell you for sure not all will be kind to your sincere apology but rest easy for I have forgiven you and your case is with me. I love you child always know that.”
As i ran down the Hill i felt so much lighter and happier. Oh my darling Papa, only He can restore the broken and heal a sinner’s heart, all the while making all things new. All these wrongs and make me whole again, surely nothing is greater than His love. I could feel the love for others within me different. I had no reason to love so much but i felt my love surpass all that i had imagine i could. Surely it is true God uses broken beautifully.
As i smiled broadly thinking happily of what my Father had done for me, i slowed down for at the bottom of the hill i saw one of the people i had hurt the most with my brokenness. As i looked at them, i saw the many years of being run down by my nature, how exhausted they were and on their way out. I touched their shoulder making them turn to look at me and while they did so the first word that came out of my mouth was “Mercy”.