As Amanda spoke to me on that Wednesday evening i could not help but sense her utter sorrow. One need not have been told how sad she was, her eyes spoke enough. I had never seen such sad eyes before. I had never seen such distant look in someone. I could only take her hands and give her a warm embrace, saying nothing for no words were good enough at this point in time. She begun to speak slowly in between tears and i turned to hear what she had to say, the subject of my piece today. To all the Amanda’s out there, it shall be well no matter how dark it seems now. Here goes the tale of the end of a love story.
“Seeing him in the past months i could not help but feel how different we were. It was like we were no longer in a relationship. I could see the way he looked at me and the story i read in his eyes were a sad one. Long gone were the days he had patience with me, smiled at my silliness, got excited when he saw me, looked forward for that date or activity together, or even a simple message. It has always amazed me how in such times nothing else matters but the end. It has always been so and no past recommendations can work at this point.
It was no wonder when i doubted whether his love for me had remained the same. Have you ever noticed how even just having a simple conversation is different?” she posed to ask me. I nodded sympathetically as most of us had been there one time or the other. She blew her nose and continued with this sad story. I never was one to love such tales as they always broke my heart. I could however not leave as friends stick around even in the hard times despite how we feel about the situation. I looked at her quietly as she continued.
“Somehow in all these i felt like we have turned to be strangers to each other. How is it that in such times all the numerous things we had done together and love we had shared not played any part or advocated for us? Isn’t there one or two things that could help him remember our love or rather remember me?”She paused and stared hard into the green field. I followed her gaze thinking i would see something but there was nothing. Her stare however said a different story, that of a heart bursting into pieces. How could i not shed a tear with her? How i wished i had a super power to mend her broken heart.
“You can imagine how very heavily all these have sat in my heart. In the final months i tried by the grace of God to effect the very changes that caused him pain. I worked so hard but it all seemed to go unnoticed. The whole time i reminded myself that no matter what and how bad i was feeling about us or the situation at the time, he remained to be the focus and i was to never forget that. Overtime i have found myself more silent and reserved a change i did not understand.”
“The path ahead for us remains very vague and i am afraid of it. Life is so long and so much of it is ahead of us. I am afraid what tomorrow will look like when he harbours such a heavy heart for me. They say marriage requires a daily and constant dose of forgiveness, respect and unconditional love above all else. I wonder what that means for us when we are like this. How far then can it go? How long can it last before it tires? How sustainable is it? Every day that passes as we are, makes my heart heavier as i become more discouraged about the persistence of the situation. Everyday i feel the love inside me being dying slowly. Every passing day making me feel desperate at the possible eventuality of all this, an end.”I gave her a hug before she continued as she burst out in tears at this possibility.
“Amara, you know what?”she said pulling away from my embrace. “What honey?” “We both value marriage so much if not truly passionate about it. None of us wants a union that has an option for divorce. It’s at this time we are thinking about this and vetting ourselves. With the circumstance as it is right now, i am not being pessimistic but sincerely feel our vote is not in it. I may no longer be the picture of his future. You would not believe that despite my great sadness of such a fact, i would be glad to see him happy for this has always been his dream and my prayer for him even if it is not with me. Lately i cannot even make him smile at the simplest of things. I have not even seen his sincere happiness or excitement for us in such a long time and it makes me quite sad that i am not even able to do that anymore. What wife will i be to him, if i no longer bring him pleasure or joy or peace? What marriage will it be if we are constantly like this and a wife who is constantly required to change to save the relationship? What of the day i fail to make him happy? What of the day i fail to do what he asks? What of the day i can no longer change to please him? What will happen? It is with this i know his vote is no longer in my favour.”I could not answer her tough questions. Some of which i had never thought of. My dear Amanda was such a deep thinker. Such an intense spirit she had always been but i loved her just as she was.
“I am feeling quite discouraged everyday for nothing i do or say is changing the way he has been with us. It’s at this moment that i realise that there is nothing my human efforts can do to keep him with me only God can. For it is also Him who sustains love and renews it every day.
Despite all Amara i thank him for the time of his life he has given me. I will be bold enough to say that he has been great in many ways. He has fought for me most of the times in this relationship and kept his word of no matter what. I saddened however that he remains in our relationship as an obligation. My greatest regret so far is the times i did not represent Jesus to Him as i ought to have. Amara i pray if there is nothing else he remembers me for that he may at least remember my prayer for him that may God richly bless him always and be with him in all he does. May His peace that surpasses all human understanding be his portion daily and may His glorious favour never depart from him.”
I for a moment stared at Amanda with disbelief. I had truly never known anyone who mixed anger, sorrow and hurt with such grace, dignity and humility. I saw myself write down a new lesson in my book of life. I held her tightly as she wiped her tears. What a bitter sweet affair love is. I could not help but think how strong had been and to her I said: