My dear love,
I hope this finds you well. I do not even know where to start. I have so much to tell you. I pray to be able to articulate myself candidly in this letter. How time flies my dear love, just the other day i was a small girl my only concern then,being the little things that forever fascinate our young ones. I have seen myself grow year after year. I have not always made the right choices and i am not proud of that. Each time they did happen i accepted responsibility for them for it was i who made the choices and not anyone else. These choices were not all bad and i got to learn from them as time went by. I have also made some pretty great decisions in my life and yes i am proud of them. Look at me now, i am all grown up and facing the world as an adult.
Dear love, we are currently at a place where we are vetting ourselves for the lifelong commitment known as marriage. I knew this day would come but i did not expect it to reach so soon despite it not being tomorrow or even the next five years to come. I have always wondered why we all must confront this topic at some point in our lives. It would seem it being God’s divine plan we all of would have to go through it and we are not any different.
Dear love isn’t it interesting how dating someone and marrying them are two different things. While dating the attitude seems relaxed and tolerant while marriage seems to call for more seriousness and deep thought. Over the years i have taken comfort in the institution of relationships and now that i am being called forth to state my case for marriage, i feel exposed. I feel exposed as it means i must confront the truths of life that i have never had to deal with in a relationship. To make peace with my past to interrogate my readiness wholly, to examine you my love from all angles and in stillness to ask my dear Lord if this is His will for my life.
In words this process looks easy but it is a far cry from the truth. The first instinct i had when it was time to confront this topic was to run. To run, not because i am not looking forward to being with you but because i am afraid of what the institution has become. Dear love have you seen the million couples that are breaking up even after a month of marriage? What is in there that is so terrible? It makes me realize it is not your daily pizza joint walk in but the no-pun-allowed airport walk in.
Dear love i have been hurt before in my past and i was quick to learn that it can always happen again. Worse when bottled up and not dealt with has a tendency of re-appearing at the most inconvenient time. I do not want this to be in marriage. Dear love lastly, i do not know why i want to get married to you, all i know is i love you. In fact why do people even get married? I do know why but my question in this moment is why do i want to marry you and why you, me? I want to get to where you are but there is a lot in between me and where you are.
Dear love, i write to you today not to discourage or push you away but to be frank that i am not ready yet. I do love you beyond words but love has never been enough has it? I write to let you know that before i walk down that aisle i want to be ready and that is by dealing with my past, learning what marriage really is and becoming ready psychologically and emotionally. I do not want to come to our marriage with half a heart. I do not write to spite your readiness but to let you know i am more interested in staying with you in marriage for life rather than wedding you.
Dear love, the many words that i have written, would be meaningless if God was not part of them. My human strength in an effort to be ready will only take me so far before i crumble down and be back where i begun. As His hand operates on my life’s misses, my thoughts, my hurts, my fears, my expectations, and all that is holding me back from living His divine purpose through marriage He alone will declare my readiness for you, us and our marriage. He alone knows what ready means in His time. He alone knows what is required of this institution that is His own creation. He alone can work in us to create what is needed for that walk and most importantly He alone will sustain it till the end, not our frail and failing human efforts. Best of all is He alone is the definition of happily ever after.
Yours in love,