An open letter to God

open-letter

I am not always faithful to you as you are to me. Sometimes i am a thorn in your crown,the sweat from your brow, the nail in your wrist and Judas’s kiss on your cheek. Sometimes, i am the lady who yelled out from the crowd for your blood to be spilled and yes i turn away with a smile on my face with that sin in my heart. Lord i tried to bury your glory and felt so accomplished. Yet alone and afraid in the night i call out for you to save me. Calling out your name louder than i did in the crowd.My Lord you must think the human race is crazy.Lord,sometimes the sin is not as big or outrageous.It can be just a silly little lie. It didn’t even mean much.

I passed my friend today and there was a silence that displayed animosity.Yesterday we did not agree.I felt myself sneer and think something bad of them. Why am i this way Lord? Why is there a war between us? Is she not my sister? Haven’t you commanded me to love others as you loved me? Surely something’s got to change in me. In all these sins i can’t help but feel them linger deep in me. My conscience falls each time i remember, i have sinned against you.

This makes me want to run away from you and other times i actually run away and try to hide in the darkest places so that you may not find me. Funny how, no matter where i turn my back you are always right in front of me, so i push you away but i don’t know i am wrong.

Lord there are places deep inside of me no one else has ever seen. I’ve been holding onto secrets that I can never tell. I don’t want anyone to see inside me for if they did they would know that i am really someone else. Lord i feel i am just the same person. The same thoughts that are not pleasant to you, the same anger, the same doubts, the same weaknesses, the same downfalls and i wonder what is the point of going through the motions, if my life is still the same. Every day’s the same old puzzle, all the pieces just re-arranged.Lord can you forgive me? Can you forget what i have done? All this wrongs and make me whole again?

My Lord despite all this, you love me any way and still have a great plan for me. You tell me to spread my wings and fly for your plans for me are greater and all these do not change your plans for me. But my Lord the future is so far, i am afraid of it and my heart is so frail. I would rather stay inside for i don’t know the words to say to you to make my faith seem that strong to believe this. Even you still love me with my insecurities. Surely how do you love me in light of all these? Your love is like nothing in life that i have ever known.

My Lord it takes more than mere strength to simply be still. To be human means some things are impossible in human capacity. How can i not get annoyed when someone irritates me? How can i not run in fear when i see danger? How can i not cry when my heart is broken? How can i not question why loved ones have to die? How can i smile when everything is not fine? How can i be still without your strength? Then Lord why do i doubt you sometimes when i know you are Almighty, more than able? Why am i anxious sometimes and yet you tell me not to? What is the reason for all these?

Father i know times are always changing and so do circumstances and situations. I am glad my Lord that you my father, are never changing. So i pray to you right now to take away my sin, heal away my brokenness and change this heart again. Without you I am nothing but a weak and dying man. I confess that I’ve been blind, open up this heart of mine and wipe away my shame.

Jesus you restore the broken, you heal a sinner’s heart. You can make all things new. At the cross you wore the scars and your undying love was spoken. I have confidence to approach you even in my worst for i know you love me, for not even my sin can separate me from your love for me. Father open up this heart of mine and show me how to love. Lord show me how to love in a way that is not of this world but of you. Lord please change this heart again and create a new one in me. Teach me how to love like you do. Lift me up and hold me close as you sing me your love song again. Sing the words that heal my heart and make me whole again. I feel you release the chains of all my yesterdays and I am not the same. Thank you my Jesus.

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